Sunday, 20 October 2013
Hoi Hoi viewers
So I decided to make a blog because I wanted to express myself. I would say I'm a private person that finds it hard to confide in people hence why I remain anonymous. I find it hard to talk to people about personal matters and telling others how I feel has never been my strongest point. Usually when I'm down and feel frustrated I talk to myself or write it down on paper, but I learned about the online blogs and found it to be the perfect place to express myself. I actually enjoy writing but never had to courage to write exposing my identity. Thus I will remain anonymous due to personal reasons.
As some of you may know from reading my first blog, I lost my brother at a young age in a car accident. Something that has changed me in ways I can't really explain. It's not only the way I view life because on that note I am realistic and I do believe in the teachings of Islam, that death is promised to us all, so I view life as a short journey trying to get to the better side. Of course being a 12 year old, you don't really think about serious matters and don't question the purpose of life. Why do we exist and what happens next? Our biggest concern were crayons and maths homework. But it was after I got dragged into the crew smoking and doing things that I knew were wrong, it was then when I started to ask myself is this all worth it? It never even felt good, I thought it was a distraction in order to forget, but instead I fell into the trap of shaytaan. That's what he wants us to do, when we suffer and grief to confide in things that are bad for us just to make ourselves 'feel better'.
I realised that our soul can be taken at any time by the Creator, so when I leave this world I don't want it to be in a state of smoking, or stealing, doing something that has no benefit in. My family noticed that I was not coping well, and I'm not gonna deny but I did not come from a practising family, we were never thought how to pray or read quran, neither did I have any knowledge. But my dear brother opened my parents eyes, so they started teaching us how to pray and how to do wudu (wash before prayer), but I was not the slightest interested as I was too busy with my 'crew'. My parent's concern for me grew, and they were worried that I'd end up in a box 6ft under so they decided to take me away from a place that I once called 'home'. You can imagine how attached I was to the place I grew up with my brother, so leaving did not mend my broken heart. My parents thought by taking me to a country with a lot of muslims would change me and maybe even forget about the horrific incident that ripped my heart out. But ofcourse no matter how far they took me, I could never forget.. However I had to leave all of my friends which was hard for me. Looking back, that was the best decision they made for me, I know that if we stayed, my future would have been full of hardship which I had caused for myself.
This did not mean the struggle stopped, nor did it become easier. I had absolutely nobody, I was trapped in a strange country with strange people, speaking a language I did not understand. I felt like a newborn, being welcomed to a world it has never seen or understood. I had no learn everything from scratch again so I felt out of place. It was hard trying to fit in a place you're not familiar with. People looked at me like I was a alien, yet I looked at them as aliens. Everything was so different and I had never felt so alone as I did back then. As time went by I developed a eating disorder due to depression, many people take anorexia and bulimia lightly but trust me it is not. It's a mental illness as well as physical. I never realised the harm I was causing my body but my mind was telling me I must continue, I did not deserve to eat. So I put my body in starvation mode, it was not only because I was unhappy about my weight. The depression got to me so bad that I had no appetite for food. There were several reasons, but to be honest I can't really explain. A mental illness is hard to justify, you don't really have a explanation. After I fainted as my body become extremely weak, I lost a large amount of hair, my face was paler than ever, I started losing vision and my heart started aching, I was finally admitted to hospital. I managed to hide it from my parents well, but once they found out it broke their heart knowing I was suffering so much due to my brother's death.
When they discharged me from the hospital, it grew into bulimia for a year. So yes, I've had a lot of my plate with consequences that led me to have liver failure due to the starvation. No one really understood my condition, they would always say 'why don't you just eat?' it wasn't that simple, It was my mind that did not allow me to. I don't blame them to be honest cause I never understood eating disorders myself until I went through it. Although it has been over 6 years since I've been cured and Alhamdulillah I have not had a relapse yet, it still has a impact on me. My mother still checks up on me if I am eating well, but I can happily say I am well, and learned how to eat healthy lol.. I had a lot of support while I was going through that, one teacher of mine helped me a lot who had also suffered from anorexia when she was younger so she never judged me and understood what I was going through. I still remember how she cried when she found out about my disorder and did everything to help me get through it.
I can honestly say I'm in a much better place right now Alhamdulillah, hardships only make you stronger and sometimes we learn the best from certain obstacles. Everyone has their own problems to deal with. But like my brother always said. 'No smile, happiness and laughter lasts forever but neither does hardship, pain and sadness.. They are all temporary feelings just like our passing through this world is like a eye blink compared to the next life. Live your life as if you are travelling and do not seek for lasting happiness in this world. Every time hardship afflicts me, I remind myself that this pain will eventually go, just as my soul will ultimately leave this world....
As some of you may know from reading my first blog, I lost my brother at a young age in a car accident. Something that has changed me in ways I can't really explain. It's not only the way I view life because on that note I am realistic and I do believe in the teachings of Islam, that death is promised to us all, so I view life as a short journey trying to get to the better side. Of course being a 12 year old, you don't really think about serious matters and don't question the purpose of life. Why do we exist and what happens next? Our biggest concern were crayons and maths homework. But it was after I got dragged into the crew smoking and doing things that I knew were wrong, it was then when I started to ask myself is this all worth it? It never even felt good, I thought it was a distraction in order to forget, but instead I fell into the trap of shaytaan. That's what he wants us to do, when we suffer and grief to confide in things that are bad for us just to make ourselves 'feel better'.
I realised that our soul can be taken at any time by the Creator, so when I leave this world I don't want it to be in a state of smoking, or stealing, doing something that has no benefit in. My family noticed that I was not coping well, and I'm not gonna deny but I did not come from a practising family, we were never thought how to pray or read quran, neither did I have any knowledge. But my dear brother opened my parents eyes, so they started teaching us how to pray and how to do wudu (wash before prayer), but I was not the slightest interested as I was too busy with my 'crew'. My parent's concern for me grew, and they were worried that I'd end up in a box 6ft under so they decided to take me away from a place that I once called 'home'. You can imagine how attached I was to the place I grew up with my brother, so leaving did not mend my broken heart. My parents thought by taking me to a country with a lot of muslims would change me and maybe even forget about the horrific incident that ripped my heart out. But ofcourse no matter how far they took me, I could never forget.. However I had to leave all of my friends which was hard for me. Looking back, that was the best decision they made for me, I know that if we stayed, my future would have been full of hardship which I had caused for myself.
This did not mean the struggle stopped, nor did it become easier. I had absolutely nobody, I was trapped in a strange country with strange people, speaking a language I did not understand. I felt like a newborn, being welcomed to a world it has never seen or understood. I had no learn everything from scratch again so I felt out of place. It was hard trying to fit in a place you're not familiar with. People looked at me like I was a alien, yet I looked at them as aliens. Everything was so different and I had never felt so alone as I did back then. As time went by I developed a eating disorder due to depression, many people take anorexia and bulimia lightly but trust me it is not. It's a mental illness as well as physical. I never realised the harm I was causing my body but my mind was telling me I must continue, I did not deserve to eat. So I put my body in starvation mode, it was not only because I was unhappy about my weight. The depression got to me so bad that I had no appetite for food. There were several reasons, but to be honest I can't really explain. A mental illness is hard to justify, you don't really have a explanation. After I fainted as my body become extremely weak, I lost a large amount of hair, my face was paler than ever, I started losing vision and my heart started aching, I was finally admitted to hospital. I managed to hide it from my parents well, but once they found out it broke their heart knowing I was suffering so much due to my brother's death.
When they discharged me from the hospital, it grew into bulimia for a year. So yes, I've had a lot of my plate with consequences that led me to have liver failure due to the starvation. No one really understood my condition, they would always say 'why don't you just eat?' it wasn't that simple, It was my mind that did not allow me to. I don't blame them to be honest cause I never understood eating disorders myself until I went through it. Although it has been over 6 years since I've been cured and Alhamdulillah I have not had a relapse yet, it still has a impact on me. My mother still checks up on me if I am eating well, but I can happily say I am well, and learned how to eat healthy lol.. I had a lot of support while I was going through that, one teacher of mine helped me a lot who had also suffered from anorexia when she was younger so she never judged me and understood what I was going through. I still remember how she cried when she found out about my disorder and did everything to help me get through it.
I can honestly say I'm in a much better place right now Alhamdulillah, hardships only make you stronger and sometimes we learn the best from certain obstacles. Everyone has their own problems to deal with. But like my brother always said. 'No smile, happiness and laughter lasts forever but neither does hardship, pain and sadness.. They are all temporary feelings just like our passing through this world is like a eye blink compared to the next life. Live your life as if you are travelling and do not seek for lasting happiness in this world. Every time hardship afflicts me, I remind myself that this pain will eventually go, just as my soul will ultimately leave this world....
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